Off to work I go
Tag Archives: funny
Applying for the Job of Death
To Whom it may Concern,
I saw your ad in the Daily Death Bugle for an opening for the Death position that had recently become available in your department.
I can’t tell you how delighted I was to see the position finally open up after so many eons of waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting…sorry (I have waited quite a while)
Please see attached resume regarding my education and experience on all things related to death and in my earlier years with dismemberment only as I was still learning what it truly meant to properly and with great honor take someone’s soul.
My brief stint of education at DIT (The Death Institute of Technology) wetted my appetite for all things Death, so I then chose to enroll with the esteemed Reaper University to properly round out my skills and attain, as you see, my Masters ,Majoring in Reaping with a Minor in Pottery. I have trapped many a soul in my stylish handmade cookie jars mind you, and they sell really well at the Arts and Craft Festival every year.
I believe my collaboration and internship work with various mortuaries, churches, casinos, and funny enough, oriental massage parlors gave me a unique perspective that Death is always lurking around the corner. I am ready, willing and able to creep around any corner put in front of me with vigor and steadfastness to this ancient glorious trade to see that the job gets done.
Please consider me for this Reaper position as I believe I am the only entity for the job with the right mix and balance of perversion, passion and education to get the job done, and done right the first time, as you can only kill a person once they say.
Sincerely,
Philip “The Grim” Wardlow
666 Scythe Lane
Purgatory, MI
http://www.reaperofsouls.com
616-666-6666
I want a girl by the band Cake (then totally smashed up and changed by Me.
I want a girl with a mind like carbon
who gives life to everything
in my world.
I want a girl who knows me well
I want a girl who knows me well
and holds me to it.
I want a girl with heels that click
And eyes that dance like fireflies
I want a girl with heels that click
And eyes that dance like fireflies
I want a girl with deep sentiments
Who’s passionate, thorough, and true
She’s playing with her hair
She’s giving me a smile
As her laughter fills my ears
as I bend her over the chair.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.
Who’s passionate, thorough, and true
She’s playing with her hair
She’s giving me a smile
As her laughter fills my ears
as I bend her over the chair.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.
I want a girl who stays in bed
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with corruptible possibilities
Who’ll go skinny dipping with me on a first date.
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with corruptible possibilities
Who’ll go skinny dipping with me on a first date.
With fingernails that dig deep
And a voice with dark menace that invites me in.
And a voice with dark menace that invites me in.
I want a girl with a meteoric sense about her
I want a girl with delicious resolve
At Barnes and Nobles we will meet periodically
We’ll start to kiss over fantasy and the occasional
I want a girl with delicious resolve
At Barnes and Nobles we will meet periodically
We’ll start to kiss over fantasy and the occasional
sonnet.
She wants a car that uses a stick
She wants a car that will get her there at times
She wants a car that will get her there at times
instead of my d*$!
She’s changing her name
From Miss to Mistress
She’s trading her life for something better not found in life
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
She’s changing her name
From Miss to Mistress
She’s trading her life for something better not found in life
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
by Philip Wardlow sort of 2017 🙂
First of May – Song by Jonathan Coulton backed with sign language.. :)
Robot or Bust
Halloween Humor #1
My Killer Girlfriend
I knew the moment I spied you
that the devil lived behind those blues.
How long ago did you trap him, for
I see he’s itching to play.
It’s clear from our encounter,
your a girl who can handle her boomstick
when it goes off with a kick.
Your grip on the gun is tight but loose as
silver bullets fill it, along with a gleam.
You smile that smile that I could die for as the
full moon rises, and
the day descends to glorious night.
My hand takes yours as we roam
the dank castle far beneath in the catacombs.
I’ll take the hammer, you take the stake
as we take out a vampire or two on our first date.
When other monster’s wish to interlude upon
our first kiss your casual air and
sadistic flair with an axe
cannot be denied as the crimson droplets fly
in the midnight air….Oh, I think I’m in love!
Let’s not dawdle, let’s not hesitate in our fate.
For we have a rendezvous, me and you, and it involves
Frankenstein and the Wolfman’s heads
on a plate.
by Philip Wardlow
Killer Pumpkins – Poem #13
Killer Pumpkins
Ba dump…ba dump…ba ba dump.
Bump…
Bump…
They roll.
They stroll
down the streets;
orange and angry.
Why do they roll?
Why are they not in bed,
with green leaves as blankets
To cover their orange ripply heads.
I suppose they’re pissed off
for being left behind
in the patch.
What the fuck was wrong
with them, they ask.
It’s Halloween and they’ve
waited long enough.
Knives in hand with
grins carved in,
ready to show
the little tricker-treat bastards
a real killer
pumpkin.
So they roll
and they stroll
down the street.
Ba dump.
I’m a Rat! Poem
I don’t feel bad for stealing that piece of pizza pie.
Look me in my eye!
I’m a rat can’t you see,
a rat through and through.
You knew from my whip like tail,
to my twitchy whisker face, and my little ears
which danced to and fro
that I was up to no good
as I ambled up on ya, you knew, oh you knew
that pie was already
gonna be took!
Nom…nom…nom.
Hmm…there’s more.
Well why the hell not?
I’m a rat!
by Philip Wardlow 2016
My Kind of Humor #2
Ain't no rest for the Wicked - Philip Wardlow - The real and the sensual sides to life in all its facets.. 