Tag Archives: funny

Applying for the Job of Death


 

 

To Whom it may Concern,

I saw your ad in the Daily Death Bugle for an opening for the Death position that had recently become available in your department.

I can’t tell you how delighted I was to see the position finally open up after so many eons of waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting…sorry (I have waited quite a while)

Please see attached resume regarding my education and experience on all things related to death and in my earlier years with dismemberment only as I was still learning what it truly meant to properly and with great honor take someone’s soul.

My brief stint of education  at DIT (The Death Institute of Technology) wetted my appetite for all things Death, so I then chose to enroll with the esteemed Reaper University to properly round out my skills and attain, as you see, my Masters ,Majoring in Reaping with a Minor in Pottery. I have trapped many a soul in my stylish handmade cookie jars mind you, and they sell really well at the Arts and Craft Festival every year.

I believe my collaboration and internship work with various mortuaries, churches, casinos, and funny enough, oriental massage parlors gave me a unique perspective that Death is always lurking around the corner. I am ready, willing and able to creep around any corner put in front of me with vigor and steadfastness to this ancient glorious trade to see that the job gets done.

 Please consider me for  this Reaper position as I believe I am the only entity for the job with the right  mix and balance of perversion, passion and education to get the job done, and done right the first time,  as you can only kill a person once they say.

Sincerely,

Philip “The Grim”  Wardlow

666 Scythe Lane
Purgatory, MI
http://www.reaperofsouls.com
616-666-6666

 

 

I want a girl by the band Cake (then totally smashed up and changed by Me.


 
I want a girl with a mind like carbon
who gives life to everything
in my world.
I want a girl who knows me well
and holds me to it.
I want a girl with heels that click
And eyes that dance like fireflies
I want a girl with deep sentiments
Who’s passionate, thorough, and true
She’s playing with her hair
She’s giving me a smile
As her laughter fills my ears
as I  bend her over the chair.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.
I want a girl who stays in bed
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with corruptible possibilities
Who’ll go skinny dipping with me on a  first date.
With fingernails that dig deep
And a voice with dark menace that invites me in.
I want a girl with a meteoric sense about her
I want a girl with delicious resolve
At  Barnes and Nobles we will meet periodically
We’ll start to kiss over fantasy and the occasional
sonnet.
She wants a car that uses a stick
She wants a car that will get her there at times
instead of my d*$!
She’s changing her name
From Miss to Mistress
She’s trading her life  for something better not found in life
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
by Philip Wardlow sort of  2017  🙂

My Killer Girlfriend


 

Huntress

 

I knew the moment I spied you

that the devil lived behind those blues.

How long ago did you trap him, for

I see he’s itching to play.

It’s clear from our encounter,

your a girl who  can handle her boomstick

when it goes off with a kick.

Your grip on the gun is tight but loose as

silver bullets fill it, along with a gleam.

You smile that smile that I could die for as the

full moon rises, and

the day descends to glorious night.

My hand takes yours as we roam

the dank castle far beneath in the catacombs.

I’ll take the hammer,  you take the stake

as we take out a vampire or two on our first date.

When other monster’s wish to interlude upon

our first kiss your casual air and

sadistic flair with an axe

cannot be denied as the crimson droplets fly

in the midnight air….Oh, I think I’m in love!

Let’s not dawdle, let’s not hesitate in our fate.

For we have a rendezvous, me and you, and it involves

Frankenstein and the Wolfman’s  heads

on a plate.

 

by Philip Wardlow

Killer Pumpkins – Poem #13


Killer Pumpkinskiller-pumpkinWeapons

Ba dump…ba dump…ba ba dump.

Bump…

Bump…

They roll.

They stroll

down the streets;

orange and angry.

Why do they roll?

Why are they not in bed,

with green leaves as blankets

To cover their orange ripply heads.

I suppose they’re pissed off

for being left behind

in the patch.

What the fuck was wrong

with them, they ask.

It’s Halloween and they’ve

waited long enough.

Knives in hand with

grins carved in,

ready to show

the little tricker-treat bastards

a real killer

pumpkin.

So they roll

and they stroll

down the street.

Ba dump.

 

KillerPumpkin

I’m a Rat! Poem


pizza

I don’t feel bad for stealing that piece of  pizza pie.

Look me in my eye!

I’m a rat can’t you see,

a rat through and through.

You knew from my whip like tail,

to my twitchy whisker face, and my little ears

which danced to and fro

that I was up to no good

as I ambled up on ya, you  knew, oh you knew

 that pie was already

gonna be took!

Nom…nom…nom.

Hmm…there’s more.

Well why the hell not?

I’m a rat!

by Philip Wardlow 2016