If you had told me I would have
yearned for a simple handshake,
months from now,
I would have scoffed at such a silly notion.
If you would had said a hug from
a loved one was a distant memory
and that only through dreaming in bed
at night could such an implausible embrace happen,
I would have laughed in your face.
No light touches, no manly shoulder to shoulder hugs,
no holding hands, no fist bumps,
no incidental brushing of skin against
skin in the everyday going on
None of that.
I am bereft and unaware of the warmth
or coldness of a cheek or simple palms of another,
stolen is the smile behind
a mask that might have touched my soul
as they looked my way in the incidental
happenings of a mere
There is a gnawing
threatening to consume
In my head
Crazy swirling futures
Abounded when you came
Tender thoughts flowed
simply knowing you existed
in this world
You brought me to my knees
close to you
If it could not be you
If it could not be you
Let it be something
Close to you.
You are my direction
I have become a
free spirit forever
a lazy river to your
When I read any book by an author I like to read the Author’s note and any forward they may have written. I personally like to get a sense of who this person is that wrote this book. What made them tick…so below are some of the things that might give you perspective into who I am and who I am not perhaps. I don’t know, I will let you be the judge. I for one hate self analysis because we lie to ourselves more than we lie to others. Perhaps you’ll see something in me that I don’t see myself…
My mother had me when she was 29….my father was 59 at the time…He died when I was 12…He was 72, the age a grandfather should be.
Often my mother would leave our father at the drop of a hat..taking me & my brothers away…we lived in 18 different homes growing up.
Security seemed to be a liquid state to me as a young child…no solid friends..no real home to speak of…life always in transition.
My mother signed my older and younger brother up in the Big Brother Volunteer program at the local college…me I did not get one. She believed I was the adjusted one and didn’t need it I guess.
My older brother William participated in sports and played a musical instrument at school. I think I wanted to but was never asked by my mother, besides money was tight and he got first dibs.
I don’t really like my family.
I love them but I don’t LIKE any of them…in certain ways I am sure they don’t like me. I am not perfect. I have quirks and issues I am sure, that annoy the hell out of them….your typical dysfunctional family.
I WANT to like them. But as I have gotten my life together in some semblance of normalcy they have still not to one degree or another. So I AVOID them if I can because its a DRAG.
Am I selfish? Should I feel guilty? At times I do. At others, NOT in the slightest…Blood is NOT thicker than water at times. AT TIMES you need to live for your self and be selfish….I had to learn that was okay.
And not for the reason you think. I hate it because I really started going after what I really wanted in my late -30s…which is as you can see is Writing…
I try not dwell on the almost 20yrs of wasted time of not pursuing it….”OH the things I could have written in that time” flow through my head at the oddest and most inconvenient moments.
But I shut that annoying voice out and carry on.
Also at forty-three I wish to stay in shape ..so I work out on a constant basis. I have a sucky metabolism so I must.
I work out to look & feel good for myself, my wife and any lady passerby on the street who wants to check me out…:)
I didn’t always think I was a handsome person. I kind of had an ugly duckling syndrome. I grew up with a gap in my teeth and because we couldn’t afford to pay for an orthodontist, so the gap stayed . We also were a poor family that didn’t have the ” cool” clothes or stuff so I was pretty much ignored by other kids at a certain age.
I still have the gap but wear better clothes. My wife and others have convinced me that I don’t look hideous. I will take their word for it.
Seriously though my confidence has grown over the years with that. (still have trouble with big smiles in pictures..so I look mean or stoic or something half the time in them)
I always like a compliment….who doesn’t. So go ahead tell me I’m cute I can take it…:)
I think I will wrap it up here for now….perhaps I will share more of myself in later posts….now you know just a little more about me. I am going to go relax and read a good book now.