All posts by Philip Wardlow

Philip Wardlow is a burgeoning ever growing writer and poet delving into all the various aspects of the human condition. His writing tastes run to the Erotic most recently. In the recent past he has written to the Dark Urban Fantasy & Horror Genre which he still loves as well. He likes to dabble in all the various forms of poetry; from the sexy to the humorous, to the profound and beautifully sentimental and reflective. He has only been at this chosen path for a few of years and has produced one Novella published as an Ebook on Amazon called “Roadkill”. He has submitted and continues to submit various stories and poetry works to publications for consideration. Philip is working on a collection of Erotic Poetry due out in 2021 in ebook form and perhaps in paperback. He is also concurrently working hard on his other passion; photography. Philip believes he can have each foot planted in two distinctly different worlds of creativity there by inciting new ideas and growth at the same time in both.

From a Dark Place – Excerpt from a short story of Dark Fantasy


Below is an excerpt from a short story  I am currently writing that I hope to finish in the not too distant future to submit to publishers and perhaps a contest or two. Take it for what it is because it’s a work in progess which will probably need two or more rewrites before its finished anyways…so far I think it’s a good start…let me know what you think good or bad…enjoy what I have so far…:)

darkplace

From a Dark Place

by Philip Wardlow

Joseph carefully placed the six white candles he had just purchased into the big brown suitcase amidst the other items he had already collected. He hands went to close the suitcase but instead they caressed a black leather bound book which lay inside. His eyes went wide and his pupils dilated ever so slightly as he stared at it. He traced the raised symbol on its cover emblazoned in red with his index finger. His finger ran along the entire perimeter of the symbol at all its points where the lines met. The symbol was two equilateral triangles overlaying one another, the point of one triangle facing up, the point of the other facing down, a hexagram, what a lovely symbol. Could there be anything more perfect he wondered. A sly smile came to his lips because for all his studies he new the true power of that symbol while others only thought they knew.  He had become an adept at the mysteries of it.

“Joseph!” a woman’s voice called to him in a wail from somewhere downstairs in the house.

“Joseph, what the hell are you doing?  Spaghettis all done! Christ on a crutch, move your ass!” she yelled again. Joseph could almost picture the spit flying from her mouth as she yelled at him. Fucking fat cow. He would be glad when he was done with her. Joseph couldn’t remember choosing such a bitch of a woman for a wife but he must have for she lived in his home and occasionally wanted to have sex because of that damn ring on her finger and his own. The weight of the ring seemed to increase more everyday. He wanted to stuff it down her damn throat. It was maddening. No more, no fucking more. Tomorrow, Joseph’s life was about to change.

“Joseph!” she wailed again.

Joseph slammed the suitcase shut, secured the latches and locked them by rotating the combination on each with his thumbs all at once.

“Coming Elizabeth!…..you bitch.”  Joseph said the last to himself in a whisper as he tucked the suitcase deep up under his side of the bed and quickly got up to go downstairs for dinner. He would suffer through it with the heifer just for one more night. Spaghetti was his favorite he thought idly to himself.

******************

Sam pulled his head from the sink filled with iced cold water. He wore no shirt only jeans. His skin was naturally tan in color. His forearms became pebbled with goose bumps from the cold water that dripped down his body and trailed to his muscular chest and broad shoulders to soak the top of his pants. Sam looked into to the mirror that hung on the wall. He let the water continue to drip down his body as he leaned forward and gripped the edge of the porcelain sink with both hands. He stared deep into the mirror at his own reflection. Small droplets fell from his short-cropped curly black hair into his eyes obscuring his vision causing his reflection to blur.

He wiped at his face with a hand towel nearby on the vanity in the small bathroom and looked into his big brown eyes. He saw a strong face staring back him.  A handsome face as well, he knew the girls thought so anyways. A young man’s face they would say. Some said he had a mean look to his face at times. Some would ask why he never smiled. He never liked to lie so he told them. His mother and father were dead he would tell them. This was a misleading truth somewhat he knew but it always quieted the questions. He would have told them the full truth if they had pressed perhaps but they never did. Death always seemed to make people quiet or scared to talk and that suited him just fine.

What was a smile anyways? You had to care to smile and he had stopped caring long ago just like his parents. They had been too fucked up to care. They had cared about one thing, their friend Meth, or the Meth Man as he remembered his Dad liked to call it.  Sorry Sam, the Meth Man’s a knocking, and me and mom got to go. They never thought a kid as young as him knew what they were talking about. But he knew. They didn’t even have the decency to hide what they had been doing. So they ignored him mostly, but occasionally they would act out and beat him when the mood struck one of them. It didn’t take much to set them off either. Television to loud,  smack, dirty dish not  picked up, smack, didn’t take the dog out , smack and so on and on and on.

When the police had discovered both of his parents in their van parked in the driveway of their house overdosed and long dead for over two days, Sam had felt a chapter had turned in his life for the better.  Better being a relative term that was to the situation at the time. Ten years had past since their death and in that time he had been a deck of cards shuffled from one foster family to another more times than he could count, some good, some not so good and some really really bad.

Sam had endured and now he was with the Vandermullens. His last family as he had thought of them. The Vandermullens were not so bad, the “mother”, Judith, was manic depressive and took prescriptions for it. The “father”, Norman, was a saint at his church but he was secretly hooking up at least once every other Saturday of the month, with a woman who was the treasurer there who was married as well. Probably carried the hook-up well into Sunday with his coming in late on those Saturdays way after midnight…shame shame the devil knows your name Mr. Vandermullen. They didn’t have any real children of their own.  She was barren as a the desert was how Norman had put it two years ago at the age of fifteen to him when they had first agreed to foster him and he had asked if they had any kids of their own

So he thought of himself as the pseudo son they could never have naturally. She loved him in her own way as did her husband. He always felt this detachment from them, a disconnection that never grew into any thing more than an uncomfortable comfort around a stranger you only half know. Sam wasn’t surprised that they never took the plunge and signed the papers to legally adopt him. He knew his own detachment didn’t help the situation. He knew he was fucked up. He knew he was too serious all the time. He knew he should find joy in something in life, smile or something. He knew there was something off about himself but he couldn’t place it.  So many went through life thinking they were sane and well adjusted when in fact they were just a half hair from crazy.  You would think Sam knowing he was fucked up would help but it didn’t. It just reminded him on a daily basis on how different he saw things in life from other people.

So he stared at himself in the mirror while the cold water dripped down his face. He slapped himself hard across his face once, then twice, then finally a third. It stung, it felt good, for it was a feeling and this was the closest he ever came to feeling something.

Tomorrow he thought, one more day, just one more day and things would be different.

********************

            “Master..Master…the Master will come and then you will…you will….you will be done!”  the small three black creatures cavorted and danced with arms flailing in the air around a bedraggled looking half naked man who was bound  hand and foot with rough hewn ropes which stretched his arms painfully high over his head tied tight to metal stakes set deep into the hard rocky ground.

“Phah!” Rohaan spit at them as they chanted and danced around him not wanting to give them the satisfaction while at the same time cursing himself for being such a fool to be caught unawares of these things in the first place.

The lovely Mistress Kaspar as she sat his knee had said the love of the drink would do him in one day. He feared her prediction might be coming to fruition.  He secretly prayed to any god that would bother to listen, that if he got out of this he would never drink again. Well at least within reason he quickly amended. If he could just reach the dagger hidden his boot he could cut his bindings and give these foul black eyed imps a sound beating before they knew to react, but they had him trussed like a pig over the coals being readied for Feastday during High Festival. What a mess he had fallen into. Then again messes seemed to be what he was usually in at most times.

Rohann looked to the sky as he lay in his uncomfortable position on his back with nothing to do but look up.  He must have been in a canyon or valley of some sort for steep walls of crumbling rock rose some thirty to forty feet up all around and framed the sky that was rapidly darkening to a strange purplish color he had never remembered seeing before in his life. He couldn’t see it but he was sure the sun had already fallen well below the horizon. Stars were beginning to show themselves here and there across the darkening sky. Then for the first time Rohaan really began to worry about his predicament.

Rohann had roamed and traveled far afield even for a man as young as him of only twenty-five passings of the seasons and had always prided himself in knowing his whereabouts at all times. The sky he now stared up at had him stumped for these stars were nothing he could put a place to. Not even remotely. His surprise and puzzlement must have shown on his face for one of the creatures broke off from its dance with its companions and capered over to him while the others continued in their mindless chanting and seemingly untiring dance around him.

“You see…you see little man? You cannot escape even if you broke free….truly trapped you are truly…We have brought you over at much expense for the Master.  Soon…he will come and then you will scream…scream. I will like to hear you scream. Perhaps Master will let us have a taste after he is done.”  The thing licked its thin slit of a mouth with a long blood red tongue and smiled at him with teeth that gleamed bright with each one looking razor sharp to the touch. Teeth meant for rending and tearing flesh and consuming whole portions, not for chewing nicely into tiny morsels for easy swallowing he imagined.

Rohann just stared at the thing intently. Rohann had learned long ago to put fear aside and assess the situation and not be cowed into mindlessness lest he fall victim to the very thing he was trying not to be afraid of by bringing about his own demise by shear inaction. Grant you easier said than done at moments like these, but he thought of the facts of the situation so far. One they hadn’t killed him outright once they had captured him so that was a very good thing already. Two, they had captured him for a purpose. For their master the creature had said. So to that end he would be remain alive until their master arrived. Third, these things besides binding him till his arms were going to pop out of their sockets seemed very reluctant to hurt him more than that. It seemed the master would be the only to have the first crack at him. Lovely.

The one talking to him perhaps was the leader of the group Rohann surmised. He did notice that this one stood a little a taller than the other two by maybe by a hands width in height but Rohann was sure the top of its head wouldn’t reach any higher than to barely his own chest. He almost laughed out loud. This thing had the gall to call him little man?

“What is you name little imp? Rohann couldn’t help but goad the creature. He was told by many close to him, that besides his drinking, spurring others to anger was one of his other faults as well that got him into trouble. Often he mixed the two.

The creature scowled at him and crouched low and crawled over to him on all fours to bring its face right next to him in an instant breathing heavily in his face wearing a wide maniacal grin. The creature’s breath stunk of rotting meat and other smells best not thought to hard on. Rohann fought down the urge to empty his belly of its meager contents as the creature continued to expel its foul breath directly him at a such close quarters. Gods, even his tongue could taste its foulness. The smell threatened to overwhelm all his senses. Rohaan’s nostrils were filled with nothing but decay and death.

“Your mouth annoys me. I will be happy to see the Master remove it from your face soon.  My name is Chulni. These others are my nest brothers Sherlisk and Fillij.” Spittle dripped from the creature’s leathery black skin onto the ground fairly close to Rohaan’s face. The thing gestured at each of them as he named his companions. Rohann drew back slightly. He did fear its spittle may have the power to burn his own skin to the bone if but one drop fell on him, or so the tales told he remembered. Have

Rohaan craned his neck painfully to get a closer at each as they danced around him. The other two looked to be the mirror image of Chulni. They could have been triplets for all Rohaan new. The one called Sherlish looked a little stouter in form with a little more bulk to his body than the other two whereas Fillij seemed thin but with a whipped wire frame of corded muscle running throughout his body. That was where the differences ended. All had the same ugly dark leathery faces much like a bats, with a squashed nose with flaring nostrils, the cheek bones were set high on the face on an almost triangular shaped skull which seem to pull their thin slit of a mouth up in a perpetual evil seeming grin upon their face. They all walked hunched over like they had bad backs or were carrying a heavy burden. Their arms were long and dangled close to the ground at their sides ending in three clawed talons for hands for shearing and ripping their victims easily apart Rohaan supposed.

They all wore next to nothing for clothing, bare-chested but for a band of studded leather strapped across one shoulder and down the front of their naked chest to be secured at the waist to another studded piece of leather which made for a belt he supposed to hold up nothing more than a soiled looking stained loin cloth to cover their genital area.

Rohaan looked Chulni in the eye again and grinned. “Your kind disgust me. I will be wearing a grin on my face just like this as I stick you full in the belly with my sword and watch the surprise on your face as the dead light in your eyes burn out and you return back to the hell which spawned you.”  Rohann didn’t blink once as he said this to the little demon scant inches from his face. His late mother would have been proud he was sure had he had known her he thought.

“You funny human man. Master will like you.” Was all Chulni said to him as he stood up from his crouch seemingly bored with talking to him if he couldn’t eat him.

“When is this Master you speak of to arrive then?” Rohaan asked almost conversationally to the creature giving it no indication of how much he wanted to know the answer to that question. Time he needed time he thought almost desperately.

The little demon turned back to him and smiled a wicked smile. “One more day.  One more day and things will be very different for you. Different for you indeed.” Chulni turned away from him and joined his brothers in the dance and the endless chant once again around him and the night continued to grow darker in a world Rohann did not recognize.

*******************

Joseph stared out at the darkness in his room while his wife slept next to him. He hadn’t slept much the previous night. It wasn’t due to his wife’s incessant snoring next to him or her constant contortions in bed with her hands flailing and legs kicking him nonstop. He was used to that. He found he was hard to suppress the giddiness he felt every time he thought of what the coming day was to bring. All of his study, his experimenting, his success, his commitment, his sacrifices were about pay off tenfold.

The sun was coming up. The room was beginning to lighten even with the heavy dark shades drawn across the windows. Objects that had only before been vague shadows, now slowly coalesced into recognizable shapes, a shirt hung a doorknob, shoes haphazardly thrown into the corner, last night’s laundry all nicely folded in a pile on a chair in the middle of the room. Joseph loved this time in the morning as he laid in a bed two times to small already for two people alongside a woman two times too large for a bed this size even for just herself.

He ignored her presence so close to his own and delighted in the dark places revealing themselves to him slowly with the light. He would often pretend he was the light commanding the room to brighten, slowly revealing the shadows for what they were. Joseph shut such thoughts from his mind. His fancies would be reality soon enough. Time to put this day in motion he thought as he swung his feet to the floor out from under the covers. He quietly pulled the briefcase out from under his side of the bed and carried it around to his wife side of the bed carefully place it onto the floor some four feet adjacent from her head. He thumbed the combination to the latches on either side and pushed the lever to open them both while at the same guiding them both so they would not open with the loud audible snap on their spring hinges. It would do to wake her at this point. No sir.

He flipped open the suitcase and pulled out an empty mason jar. He unscrewed the ring and removed the sealing cap to the jar setting both on the floor next to the suitcase. With mason jar still in hand he reached back into the suitcase and pulled out a long bladed wicked looking knife. Joseph moved over to his wife who lay on her side facing him with her fat face crushed into the pillow still snoring loudly.

This was it. No turning back after this. He brought the knife up level to her face and found his hand was surprisingly calm and steady. In fact nothing before he could remember felt more right to him than this moment.

He moved the knife to the fat folds of her neck as she continued to snore. He imagined the right common carotid artery running up the side of the neck laboriously pumping blood from her heart to her brain and the rest of her body. He laid the knife against the skin of her neck and left it there. The knife dipped and rose with each beat of his wife’s heart. Then he whispered the words.

“You were loved, and then your were not. Steel against skin to break skin and let the blood flow from within to break a bond to bind another…to a dark obligation that must be kept.”

Joseph pressed the knife and jabbed violently into his wife’s neck severing the artery.  Blood spurted and splashed her hair and ran down her neck to soak the pillow and sheets. Her body convulsed intensely as he heard strong gurgling noises come from her. He dropped the knife and held her down while at the same time putting the mason jar to her neck to catch as much of the blood as he could that flowed profusely from the wound. It took less than a minute to fill the jar. Joseph had always been amazed how much blood resided in the human body as he capped and screwed the ring back onto the jar.

He retrieved the knife from off the bed but not before cleaning both sides of the blade with a clean portion of the sheets that had missed being bloodied. Not feeling rushed at all Joseph slowly and carefully made his way over to the suitcase and returned the knife and now full mason jar back into it.  Joseph closed and latched the suitcase and left it on the floor as he stood erect to survey what he had done. What a bloody mess he thought as he smiled to himself. He flipped the light switch on near the door to the bedroom and looked into the full length mirror on the dresser. His saw that his face and t-shirt along with much of the length of his forearms were heavily splattered with her blood.

Can’t be leaving the house with a blood splattered face now can I he thought. That would be in bad form indeed. He would definitely draw attention and that was the last thing he wanted on this day. Just another day in the life of Joseph T. Malmus. Yep, nothing special about me.

That reminded him it was time to make the call to the hospital to call in sick. They would definitely miss him. The other nurses would be pissed that he had called in sick because it would mean more work for them. No love lost there.  But it couldn’t be helped. They would be missing him for many more days to come. The days of being a nurse were behind him now. Onward and upward. No finer words, he thought.

He stripped off all his clothes and threw them to the bedroom floor. The call could wait, fuck em. Joseph walked naked out into the hall and into the bathroom.  Joseph got into the shower and ran the water has hot as he could take. The skin of his belly turned a bright pink as the water bit into him. Elizabeth never let him run it as hot as he wanted. Now she had nothing to say about it. Joseph felt free for the first time in his life. Joseph hummed a little tune he couldn’t place and thought about what he might have for breakfast. Pancakes sounded good this morning, blueberry pancakes with lots of lots of syrup.

To be Continued of course…( I’d say this is 1/4 of the story so far)


This is a great original article….loved the firsthand perspective from the Wildlife Ranger that Rhino Girl interviewed….

Tisha Wardlow's avatarFight for Rhinos

ZAKOUMA NATIONAL PARK, Chad — Just before dawn, the rangers were hunched over in prayer, facing east. They pressed their foreheads into the dry earth and softly whispered Koranic verses, their lips barely moving. A cool wind bit at their faces.

All of a sudden, Djimet Seid, the cook, said he heard “one war whoop — or maybe it was a scream.”       

And then: “K-k-k-k-k-k-k,” the angry bark of a Kalashnikov assault rifle, opening up on fully automatic. In an instant, an entire Chadian squad of rangers was cut down with alarming precision… (NY Times 12-2012)park rangers

At least 60 Wildlife Rangers worldwide have been killed in 2012. (The exact number is a mystery, as it is believed that many more deaths go unreported)

As the duty of wildlife rangers has shifted from field biologists to military personnel, it is a struggle to catch up. Todays rangers are desperately in need…

View original post 814 more words

The Get- Up – a poem…….Happy Valentines Day My Dear….:)


stiletto 5The Get-Up

Fired golden curls cascade,
as your blue eyes smolder,
pink flushed cheeks slyly smile
at me with cherry wine lips.

White silk fitted blouse
scoop breasts like two
full dollops of vanilla ice cream
set in sweet candy cones of
pale lace beneath.

Tight black skirt wraps
around gartered hips
nestled against a lace thong
that parts the way.

Straps pinched tight to
thigh highs which hang close
against skin that has seen many
a sin.

Legs so defined as to entice a man’s
mind from afar and a women’s
eyes to fill with envy disguised.

Diamond studded black stilettos
command my attention as you
walk casually towards me
in the sexual space that
you create.

I am helplessly
yours.

By Philip Wardlow 2013

Various Images related to one of my favorite pastimes – READING!!!


Forbidden_Fruit_by_George_A__Reid_1889
George A. Reid’s evocatively titled “Forbidden Fruit.”
FranciosSchuiten_5
A millon stories in the naked city, from Francois Schuiten.
DonMaitz_TheWizard
Don Maitz shows us just how engrossed in a spellbook a wizard can be.
john-white-alexander
John White Alexander.
Queen-Victorias-spellbook_Allen-Williams
Allen Williams for the upcoming anothology, Queen Victoria’s Spellbook.

Nudereading

Anna-and-Elena-Balbusso
twin Italian illustrators Anna and Elena Balbusso
Erotic_Redemption_of_the_Self_by_Laurion
Erotic_Redemption_of_the_Self_by_Laurion
Picture 024
My form of meditation…

Mr. Pancake – A Poem an Ode to People who annoy the hello out of you


mrpancake

Mr. Pancake

You are a walking pancake in my way!

A brainless angry flapjack in my otherwise

glorious day.

My eyes roll up,

as you talk your stupid pancake talk.

Stop!

…Talking!

Mr.Pancake…Just stop!

I know you think you have something

important to say.

But I don’t live inside your thin

bulbous blueberry head.

Sooooo…

Go…

Away…

and I will put my fork down.

by Philip Wardlow

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter – A Poem (inspired by a novel of the same name)


Sleeping Beauty

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

I am but a dark silhouette back-lit

by your imaginings of what I must be.

My frame of reference is not yours,

nor is your own mine to see.

I cannot hope to know the true depth

of the strangeness that lurks behind those eyes;

the sadness, the desperation, and the longing

cannot be accurately defined as simply measured

by a ruler or thrown upon a scale like a piece

of meat.

Think me misguided, corrupt, or lost?

Think me a friend, lover, or a hero?

You would be wrong on all accounts.

I am simply a solitary soul cast adrift,

striving to find a good home to lift

me up from this cold stone floor and prop

me up next to a nice warm fire and hold

me tight.

by Philip Wardlow 2013

Stuck in the In-Between – A Poem


inbetween

Stuck in the In-Between

 

 You are trapped in the

world of what-not, what-ifs,

and wannabes.

 

Top at the time may be the bottom

tomorrow, a smile a slap in the face.

 

Your core is courageous, wrapped in a

layer of boundless denial not looked

at too closely.

 

The hot sun beats down as the rain

falls in a deluge to sink deep and cold

into your bones.

 

Reason cannot be reasoned with on a

night when the day won’t go away.

 

A borderlander without a home, a foot in

the door to life, dusk and dawn

juxtaposed.

 

But still you fight, you push and rail

against the unseen that seeks to hold

you in this dark realm of broken dreams.

 

Soon…Soon… you say they will see,

as you continue to climb, run, and claw

your way out of the in-between.

 

By Philip Wardlow 2013

WORDS – My Poetic Definitions for Certain Words in the English Language


Words

A while back I  made a list of  certain words that had meant something to me personally  throughout my life.  With this list of words I decided to apply my own definition to them in a  poetic sense to really convey what the word means to me in a more concrete but at times abstract way.

These new definitions  would not be what you would  normally find, say  when you are  flipping through a reference book such as Webster’s English Dictionary or some such book of extensive boring knowledge that you have to begun learning  from the very start of Kindergarten all the way to college.

Of course it doesn’t end there, one day when your the Father of energy zapping kids and your relaxing back in bed with a hefty  book in your hands  you may have to keep one of those stupid dictionaries next to you on the nightstand at  your bedside because some pompous arrogrant ass of  an author had to  pick a word no normal person (or abnormal)  would ever use in their own mind let alone in casual conversation.  At times I revel in the English language and at other times I hate it simply because I believe words shouldn’t get in the way of what you are trying to convey to the reader, especially on a contstant basis as some writers like to do.

So here is brief list of the not-so definitions of words:

1.  Apathy –  A smile in your direction which never quite reaches the eyes with a sharp snap of the head away.

2. Dreams – Dim images of lost desire, a quest for innerpeace that travels on a slow runaway train

3. Friends – Pillars with which to hold onto in a raging storm where some are stronger than others.

4. Enemies – The unseen predator which lurks along the edge of life waiting to pounce.

5. Life – An endless array of patchwork on the soles of feet worn down and dirty.

6. Time – A number measured by emotions and circumstances of the day.

7. Envy  – A spark which turns into a flame soon to engulf the entire forest.

8. Justice – A rock thrown back at an unseen hand whose only intent was grief.

9. Poems – A collection of organized to disorganized words which have no meaning unless you say they do.

10. Woman – A mystery behind  a locked door where a thief must apply all his talents to get through.

***I am a word/idea collector so do YOU have any definitions for ME.  I would love to hear them….:)***

Aspects of Her – A Poem


rainbowgirl2

Aspects of Her

A sunshine smile

dipped in a psychedelic rainbow

of colors that don’t exist

in the spectrum  that

physics would allow.

 

Slide your hands down your hips,

feel the silk threads float over

your soft cashmere skin;

you always liked  touching yourself

more than me.

 

 Eyes look away when I speak to them.

I can’t quite catch their color; evasive

as a fish in a warm running stream.

 

Sad, reflective, in denial of your

desperation as you try and fit into

a dress that’s just a little too tight.

 

You are a free spirit that confines

herself behind a waterfall of wishes

that will never see fruition.

 

This is you, all the aspects, all the incarnations,

All the pages yet to be written, all the pages

torn out and tear stained and written over again

then forgotten..

 

This is you and I have known

them all.

By Philip Wardlow 2013

“I would…But” A Writing exercise and my little stab at humor.


When I am in a rut like I am right now with my writing I often try to jump-start my brain with a Writing Exercise or two.  The next few posts will be focused on breaking past that block and showing you the results of my own exercises that I am trying.  As I have said in the past in my other posts there is no such thing as writer’s blocks just more of what I would call a writing malaise if you will.  So here is one of my first attempts to get out of it and start being more productive with my Novel and Short stories…

I like to often challenge the brain by forcing me to come up with a solution.  Be it a short scenario or situation to get out of, a cause/affect, or an  if/then kinda thing.  I wanted to have fun with that concept  a little so I decided doing it in a joke format called ” I would …But”  … so here goes my little stab or stabs at humor. They are in the order in which they were created first btw.  My goal was Ten..my brain was hurting a little towards the end. Hey its hard to be funny!   I hope I don’t make you suffer or groan out loud too much…:).

1.  I would call you an ass but you’d take it as a compliment.

2. I would say I love you but you might hold me to it.

3. I would say my ships about to come in but I just found out it was called the Titanic.

4. I would love to have sex with you but the sign above your head says now serving No.4 and I’m holding No.99 and I just can’t wait that long.

5. I would say you are the most beautiful woman in the world but I just had a sex change so I would be lying.

6. I would give strippers more money but they hate it when I try and make change for a five.

7. I would say the state of the world as a majority is mostly apathetic to the causes that face our planet on a daily basis and that we as a human race need to stand up and say enough is enough, let’s fight for what we believe in and have the guts and determination and discipline to stand behind our principles to forge a better brighter tomorrow for ourselves and our future posterity  but then again I don’t really care to leave my couch much.

8. I would like to thank my esteemed colleagues,co-workers, and friends who I climbed over and stomped on that helped make this all possible but for the life of me I cannot remember any of their damn names.

9. I would be a junkie but I am afraid of anything going in my nose, or needles into my arm, I would be a prostitute but I’m afraid of committment for cash, to much pressure to  perform I guess, I would be an alcoholic but I may be forced to go to AA one day and I just hate crowds and public speaking.

10. I would like to write a book that at least half the world would gush over and ooh and aw at it but I’m thinking I would have to kill about  7,640,000,011 Billion People to make that happen…dammit make that 7,649,000,012…I missed one!

Well there you have it…hope you enjoyed it as much as me…and I didn’t really enjoy it all that much myself…I’m just trying to jump-start myself as I said….

I will do another post soon to jump start my brain called Toilet Tuesday….its where I go into my bathroom at work with a pad and pen, push the button on the exhaust fan for  10 minutes and see what I come up with for a quick short story…and yes.. I am serious I will be seriously doing this…just you wait and see… I hope it’s something good. ( and no I am not actually going to the bathroom while I’m in there…I’m just using the timer function….sheesh what do you take me for)

Till next we meet…:)